PERRINATOR.COM

I’m back. And it’s too late to wish you all a Happy New Year. My apologies. Mine’s gonna be a Sad New Year. Or a Depressed New Year. Or a Shitty New Year. Gosh. I don’t know. Perrinator is supposed to be a funny machine. But I think most of my sense of humour has been terminated by a series of nasty events. So, forgive me if my blog is not as funny as it used to be. I’ll do my best to revive the joker in me. Well, let’s begin with this (less) dramatic incident that happened last month…

** A ‘Lan Yau Ying’ Song Playing In The Background **

** Wind howling, dry leaves flying, everything in slow motion… **

Armed with a Trembling Heart, a pair of Shaky Hands and a Nervous Nerve with no balls and no guts, she slowly marched into the Thou-Shall-Pull-Your-Tooth Clinic. She paced back and forth at the clinic’s front door, telling herself again and again that it’ll all be over soon, there’s nothing to fear, and this was one bloody painful problem that she could no longer delay. She composed herself, took a deep breath and…

** White pigeons flying **

Opened the door.

** Silence **

All she could hear was her own breathing. As if she’s gonna get an asthma attack. She forced a weak smile at the receptionist, Ah Neh, and told the Ah Neh that she’s here for the 3pm appointment with Dr. Doom. And so she waited. She kept thinking, well, giving birth is like 100 times more painful. Look at my friends who are mommies! They can survive such ordeal. And this? Well, it’s peanut. It’s nothing. It’s…

** Dr. Doom’s assistant called out her name, interrupting her motivational thoughts **

She took a long, long deep, deep breath, and walked in…

** Jaws Theme Playing In The Background, Slowly… **

Her eyeballs widen at the patient’s seat – it looked like an executioner’s chair. She almost choked with fear when she saw those horrifying, pointy, silver tools beside the chair.

Dr. Doom: “Hi! Have a seat. What seems to be the problem?”

Dr. Doom flashed her set of “sau ngah” teeth.

** The Jaws Theme Abruptly Screeched To A Stop**

Perrinator: “Hi doc. Oh, my tooth hurts a lot whenever I drink or eat. It’s been like this for over six months.”
Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s take a look.”

** Jaws Theme Started Playing In The Background Again, This Time, Faster… **

Dr. Doom took some tools, told her to open her mouth and searched for the decayed tooth. She kept praying that there’ll be good news, like, “oh hey, good news, this tooth can be saved, no need to remove it, just a couple of tablets will do the trick.”

But hell no.

Dr. Doom: “Ops, looks like we’re gonna have to extract your tooth. It’s a decayed tooth.”

With the latest technology, Dr. Doom snapped a picture of my worthless tooth and showed me the ugly photo.

Dr. Doom: “See this? This is a huge hole, and your gum has grown into that hole, which is why you felt extreme pain when water or food passes that tooth.”

A tear almost escaped from her eyes. All hope was lost. With a trembling voice, she asked, “Doc, are you sure there’s no other way to save it? Like do a filling or something?”

Dr. Doom snapped at her and said, “Are you the dentist or am I?”

And with that…she braced herself for the worst experience that she’ll have… well, you can’t blame her. She hasn’t visit a dentist for over 15 years.

Perrinator: “Wait, wait, wait…just…gimme a minute.”

She took several long deep breaths, convinced herself again that giving birth was 100 times more painful, and that all this will be over in a few minutes. But then she saw this very huge, familiar tool on the other table and asked the assistant, “Ahahaha…that’s NOT for me right?” The assistant only gave a smile and chuckled, “YES, it’s for YOU”. She froze with horror, and thought her heart dropped somewhere on the cold floor. She shifted uneasily on the chair, clenched both her fists to stop them from trembling, did her almighty best to control her tears and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

** Jaws Theme Playing Louder and Faster In The Background **

Dr. Doom began the extraction procedure…put a pair of darkglasses over the terrified patient…wiped some pink, gel-like stuff on the rotten tooth…and then…she closed her eyes and kept chanting in her heart…”Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful!”

Holliee baloney!!! She felt a sudden sharp pain (that’s when the dentist injected her with local anesthesia) and she fought hard to hold back her tears. Seconds later, Dr. Doom began pulling out the tooth.

Perrinator: “Aww…awwwwww…aittttt (wait). Ah sink he oca aven’t ork et (I think the local haven’t work yet).

Dr. Doom then injected a second round of local anesthesia. This time, she was too numbed with fear that she doesn’t really felt that sharp pain again. After a few seconds, Dr. Doom did a quick check and press on the gum and the tooth.

Dr. Doom: “Is this painful? And this? And this?”

She shook her head.

Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s do this…”

** Jaws Theme Was Playing So Loud In The Background, She Was Almost Deaf **

The dentist began the extraction process and it seems like an eternity before the entire procedure was over. Somehow that bloody tooth was so difficult to extract (it’s not the WISDOM tooth) that the assistant had to hold my head still as the dentist swung left and right, up and down to pull it out. The fear was overwhelming and she almost had a heart attack. Seriously.

When it was finally over…

FART. WHY. IT. TOOK. FOREVER. TO. GET. IT. OUT!

** A Beautiful Song Started Playing Harmoniously…And There’s Bright Light Everywhere **

She gargled and spat all the blood and saliva into the sink. She couldn’t talk. The dentist had inserted a gauze into her mouth for her to bite on. During the ordeal, only one tear escaped from her tired eyes. And yes, she was proud that she did not cry a river. Come on, how OLD is she now? LOL!

And she suffered for almost a month due to her extraordinarily slow recovery and lived through another phase of shitty life, forever and ever…

Amen.

I mean, THE END.

Peeps, due to a sudden fcuking 360 degrees turn in my already miserable life, I have to temporarily abandon my blog and focus on other more pressing issues. Hopefully all these will be resolved before year end. Thank you for visiting my blog, have a great life and I’ll be back as soon as I can.

I did some revisions lately in order to prepare for Level 2 next month, so I thought, hey, why not describe or write something and make use as much as the vocabs or grammar that I’ve practiced before? And then…this EVIL idea magically appeared (okay, so it didn’t exactly magically appeared, I MADE it to appear!) about writing…uh, describing…someone…someone that I’ve err…’created’… (those of you who know me surely knows who this someone is…) Hence, without further ado, let’s see how well horridly I’ve done…

<* Perrinator roars with laughter before continuing her SINISTER practical lessons… *>
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Madre mia!!! Esta es una puta fea! Tienes los ojos hinchados (como un osa panda) y el pelo corto maloliente. Ella es muy tonta, baja y bastante gorda. Tienes un lunar grande fea en su cara. Su nariz es como un tomate porque estornuda mucha! Sus manos y piernas son muy extrañas. Ohhh…sus dientes son negros!!! ¿Sabes que tiene muchas arrugas en su frente? Y hay muchos granos en su cara redonda! Es como una mina de oro! Jajajajajaja!!!!

También, ella es la persona más idiota del mundo! Le gusta hacer muchas preguntas estúpidas casi todos los días, como un niña que usualmente pregunta “¿mamá, por qué la hierba es verde?” Pero, ella no es un niña!! Así que, ¿acuerdas conmigo que ella es muy tonta?

Ah, también tienes un coche verde feo pero ella es muy perezosa lavar su coche. No sabe cocinar o hornear pero sabe comer. No sabe hacer las tareas de la casa pero sabe acortarse y dormir. No sé por qué su marido se casa con ella!! Oh, ¿quizás también él es tonto? Jajajajajaja!!!

La traducción (the translation):

Oh my goodness!!! This is one ugly bitch! She has swollen eyes (like a panda bear) and short smelly hair. She is very stupid, short and quite fat. She has a big ugly mole on her face. Her nose is like a tomato because she sneezes a lot! Her hands and legs are really weird. Oh…her teeth are black!!! Do you know that she has a lot of wrinkles on her forehead? And there are a lot of pimples on her round face! It’s like a goldmine! Hahahahahaha!!!

She is also the most idiotic person on earth! She likes to ask a lot of stupid questions almost everyday, like a kid that usually asks “Mom, why the grass is green?” But she is not a kid!! So, don’t you agree with me that she is really stupid?

Ah, she also has an ugly green car but she is too lazy to wash her car. She do not know how to cook or bake but she knows how to eat. She do not know how to do housework but she knows how to go to bed and sleep. I don’t know why her husband marries her!! Oh, perhaps he’s stupid too? Hahahahaha!!!!

Oh dear me, if there are any Spanish-speaking people or Spaniards who happen to chance upon this entry of mine, do help me correct my mistakes (I’m sure there are plenty!).

I am so excited to be sharing this modified recipe with you all! Well, I said “modified” because I didn’t exactly follow the recipe’s original ingredients and I simply modified it to suit my tastebud! My first carrot cake failed (again I blame it on the recipe! Hehehe), so I guess second time’s the charm for me! LOL! This recipe makes more sense than the previous one I used. Anyway, here it is!

Ingredients (A):

375ml corn oil [I ended up using about 225ml]
170g castor sugar [I used 150g]
140g brown sugar [I used 120g]
4 egg yolks
1 ½ cup carrot shreds [I’d recommend at least 2 cups!]

Ingredients (B) [sifted]:

250g low protein flour [I don’t have the flour and didn’t want to rush out to buy either, hence, I used my existing self-raising flour]
2tsp five spice powder [I used mixed spice since I didn’t have the five spice, and I used about 1 ½ level tsp]
1 ½ tsp baking powder [only use this if you’re using the low protein flour]
1 tsp salt

Ingredients (C):

4 egg whites

Ingredients (D) for decoration:
150g cream cheese
90g butter
2 tsp vanilla essence
150g icing sugar
1 cup carrot shreds
Some carrot particles

Method:

1. Whisk egg yolk and sugar in a mixing bowl, gradually adding the corn oil into the mixture, and lastly the carrot shreds (of Ingredients A).

2. Add in Ingredients B into the mixture and mix well.

3. In another mixing bowl, beat Ingredients C till stiff. Then, add in the mixture from Step 1 and mix them well together.

4. Pour into a cake tin lined with greaseproof paper and bake at 180C for 45 to 55 minutes (till cooked).

5. While waiting for the cake to cool, prepare the cream cheese icing by first creaming the butter and cream cheese together till soft and fluffy.

6. Gradually add in icing sugar and beat till smooth. Now we have the cream cheese icing ready.

7. Spread the cream cheese to cover the whole cake, then decorate with carrot shreds and carrot particles of Ingredients D. Chill the cake for at least 2 hours before serving.

Some comments on the method above:

In Ingredients A, 375ml of corn oil is just too much. I followed my baker’s instinct when I noticed that it’s getting pretty oily and stopped at about 150ml. I’d suggest that you start out with 200ml of oil first, then gradually add in if it’s not enough and stop if you feel that it’s too oily. As usual, I always reduce the amount of sugar I used, coz’ the icing is gonna be sweet and I wanted to balance it. Oh, and try using 2 cups of carrot shreds instead!!

In Ingredients B, DO NOT use 2 teaspoonful of five spice or mixed spice powder coz’ it has a very strong smell (similar to cinnamon), and I only used like 1 ½ level tsp of the spice. When I say ‘level’, it means the powder comes FLAT on top of the teaspoon, not like a mountain! In my next try, I’ll use only 1tsp instead coz’ 1 ½ still smell overwhelmingly strong. Oh, and be careful, if you’re using self-raising flour, there is NO need to put in the baking powder! Otherwise, God bless you for making a BALLOON cake!

In Ingredients D, the cream cheese icing is only enough to cover the entire cake. In my next try, I’ll double the amount of the icing, cut the cake into two or three layers and spread them evenly on each layer! I think that will surely taste even better!

In Step 4, I took almost an hour to bake my cake. So I guess it still depends on the type of oven we use. Anyway, just remember to check your cake using a cake tester, begin with 45 minutes, then add another 5 minutes and so on till it’s cooked. Oh, and there were bubbles all over the top of my cake! I wonder why! LOL!

In Step 7, you must at least chill the cake for 2 hours. For best results, chill beyond that! Say, maybe 4 hours? The cream cheese icing will hardened a little and when you cut in the cake…ah…the icing didn’t melt nor drip like blood and the cake’s texture didn’t crumble either. And one more thing, I turned the cake upside down before spreading the cream cheese coz’ it’s a totally flat surface at the bottom and it looks nicer compare to covering the cake like a mountain due to the raised centre portion.

Ahhh…so there you have it! A simple carrot cake for tea time (or breakfast!). Do let me know how yours turn out!

I don’t normally do this, and I don’t normally care about celebrities, but the latest ‘phenomenal performance’ by the arrogant a-hole himself did hit a nerve in me. In case some of you still didn’t know, well, to summarize, during the MTV Video Music Awards last week, he totally ruined Taylor Swift’s FIRST moonman award by snatching away the microphone from her before she could finish her acceptance speech!!

Whaaaa?! He thinks he’s the ONLY celebrity in this world? He thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants without thinking about others? How would he feel if someone burst into his glorious moment and did the same thing?? I’d gladly ruin his win (if he could ever win again after this incident) and make it the WORST acceptance speech interruption ever!!!

<* Perrinator imagines herself running like a mad gladiator, armed with a gigantic electric mixer and a huge mixing bowl filled with capati and curry gravy, and slam it all over Kanye before he could even utter the first word on stage *>

I don’t think it’s staged. Heck, I don’t think MTV is that stupid to setup something hooligan like that and destroyed Taylor’s first VMA! Her FIRST, people! Her FIRST! Poor chic. I seriously think that Kanye should be banned from attending MTV or any other award events in future! Better yet, there should be some rules to indicate that all attendees should behave appropriately or risk getting thrown out of the event like a trash.

Kanye has an ego so high that I think his name deserves to be inked in the Guiness Book World Of Records under the category “The Most Egotistical Hooligan Ever Lived”. Some of the celebrities even criticized him, and these are some of my favourite compilations of their response:

Katy Perry – “F@3k you Kanye. It’s like you stepped on a kitten.”
Kelly Clarkson – “What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough??”
Miley Cyrus – “He does it for press. Don’t feed into it.”
Pink – “Kanye West is the biggest piece of $h1+ on earth. Quote me.”
President Obama – “He’s a jack@$$.”

Kanye, I’ve collaborated with other celebrities with brains and common sense and published this guidebook especially for people like you…