PERRINATOR.COM

Yes, I am indeed, an electrifying person. In fact, I’m just soooo electrifying, I can shock myself or some other poor souls who happen to accidentally brush pass me (thank God no one got roasted or died of human electric shock). Well, check this fact out:

“Under severe conditions, more than 15,000 Volts have been recorded. It is quite common to experience 5,000V. In fact, many people do not feel a shock from a static electricity discharge less than about 2,000-4,000V.”

I guess most of us do have it, but I, for one, fall in between the range of common (5,000V) to severe (15,000V) category. If you don’t already know, static electricity results from an unequal (or positive and negative) charge between two objects. Heck, I think I am discharging a super high negative energy from my body, all thanks to my all-time negative thinking.

Hmmm…let me recall some electrifying events that I have encountered so far…

Car

Yeap, I get electrocuted from the car door or any part of the car as soon as I stepped out of it. If you ever see me in a parking lot and notice the really weird way I get out of or in the car, well, I’m just trying to be extra careful not to touch it, that’s all. And…I got this clever thinking one day, “hey, since I get shocked by touching it, why not I close the door by using my enormous butt?” well, you see, I was wearing a really thick jeans that time, and I was very sure that no way in hell that electricity is gonna come out of my fleshy bum through the thick jeans, right? WRONG! So I got zapped right in my @$$ and yes, I heard that ZZZIIITTTT (like the sound you hear from an electric spark) sound! WTF!! Now, I usually close the car door using my elbow, my feet or I simply place my hand on the car window to shut the door.

Iron gate

Sigh. I’ll never be able to open a gate or close it without getting shocked outta my wits. Usually I tried to gently discharge the electricity in my body by holding the ends of my car keys (you know, that rubbery thing that looked like a key padding or something) and tap it a few times or just place it on the gate for a few seconds. Well, it works most of the time. I even resort to buying those thick gardening gloves to protect myself from getting zapped but even so, I still managed to get shocked through the gloves. Sigh. Oh, one day, when I got home and was about to open the gate with my bare hands, I hesitated for a moment and debated whether I should get the gloves from my car first. Unfortunately, as my fingers were dangerously near the gate, I heard a very soft ziittt and hollieee baloney, I saw a very fine, white thread-like line coming out of my fingertip and it disappeared into the gate!!! Hollliiieeee Zeus!!! That was like a micro mini lightning in action! Whoa!

<* Perrinator begins to think that she might have a hidden electrifying superpowers and she just need to find ways to harness and use it *>

Railings

I think people get jolted all the time when they touch those metallic railings in shopping malls. Okay, maybe not most people but I sure as hell do! Now you’ll never see me rest against the railings or go anywhere near it. If I’m tired, I’ll just sit on one of those wooden benches or plastic seats at the mall.

<* Perrinator fails to harness her superpowers…instead, she imagine zapping the crap out of people she doesn’t like. Mr & Ms Backstabbers, Mrs Nosey, Mr Long-Winded, Mr & Ms Judge, Mr & Ms Bragging, Mrs Hantu and Mrs Wicked are some of the top people in her Honey-I-So-Want-To-Jolt-You list *>

Water.

What. The. Zap?! Water???? WATER???!!! Seriously, water????????? Can people get shocked by touching water??!! I never believe this until I got that watery shock myself! I was having a seafood feast one day and got my hands all dirty from zapping peeling the crabs and I wanted to wash my hands after that. So I turned on the tap and the moment my first two fingertips touched the running water, I heard that sharp ZZIIITTTTT sound! Ouch!!! Well, after I did a google on this, basic science says, WATER is also something CONDUCTIVE just like metal! Hmmm…no wonder I always got a C in my science subject!

Human contact

Yes, folks, beware of the Terrifying Electronator when you see her around…

<* Perrinator’s world suddenly fell eerily silent…*>

Awww come on people, there’s no need to run away from me! I won’t bite! Err, I just jolt you a little, that’s all. Okay, I gotta admit, some of my friends who experienced unpleasant jolts from me will maintain a safe distance from me when they go shopping or simply hanging out with me. But for some of them who don’t feel a thing when they brush pass me, well, I did feel that sharp pain! So, that electrifying pain either goes both ways or one way. My greatest Jolt-A-Friend memory? It was with Yin Lu, one of my best buddies. Yes, we were out shopping at a mall one day, and we were not walking that close to each other, but as soon as she walked past me closely WITHOUT brushing over my shoulder…we both heard a LOUD sparkling noise (in fact, it was the loudest spark of all my jolting experiences) and the only one word that came out of our mouths simultaneously was “OUCH!!!!!!!!” Somehow, the static electric from my body managed to discharge itself by ‘jumping’ from my shoulder across to my friend’s shoulder, and bear in mind that I was wearing a pretty thick cotton T-shirt and she herself was wearing a cardigan! Our shoulders were covered by fabric, for Zeus’ sake!

Unfortunately, there is no permanent cure for this annoying and painful phenomenon, only ways to REDUCE it. Of all the tactics to reduce the static electric in our body, I find this the most hilarious one:

“Shaving or clipping the hair on hairy legs will cause less static electricity to build up in the first place.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Does that also mean that hairy people tend to have more electricity in their body?? Well then, no wonder I bloody hell have lots of volts running in my veins, coz’ I am a hairy pig!

Wait a sec, did I just tell the world that I. AM. HAIRY???!!!

<* Psst…You should see her LEGS! *>

<* Perrinator abruptly stops blogging to find the source of the voice that blurted out the above sentence *>

I’m back. And it’s too late to wish you all a Happy New Year. My apologies. Mine’s gonna be a Sad New Year. Or a Depressed New Year. Or a Shitty New Year. Gosh. I don’t know. Perrinator is supposed to be a funny machine. But I think most of my sense of humour has been terminated by a series of nasty events. So, forgive me if my blog is not as funny as it used to be. I’ll do my best to revive the joker in me. Well, let’s begin with this (less) dramatic incident that happened last month…

** A ‘Lan Yau Ying’ Song Playing In The Background **

** Wind howling, dry leaves flying, everything in slow motion… **

Armed with a Trembling Heart, a pair of Shaky Hands and a Nervous Nerve with no balls and no guts, she slowly marched into the Thou-Shall-Pull-Your-Tooth Clinic. She paced back and forth at the clinic’s front door, telling herself again and again that it’ll all be over soon, there’s nothing to fear, and this was one bloody painful problem that she could no longer delay. She composed herself, took a deep breath and…

** White pigeons flying **

Opened the door.

** Silence **

All she could hear was her own breathing. As if she’s gonna get an asthma attack. She forced a weak smile at the receptionist, Ah Neh, and told the Ah Neh that she’s here for the 3pm appointment with Dr. Doom. And so she waited. She kept thinking, well, giving birth is like 100 times more painful. Look at my friends who are mommies! They can survive such ordeal. And this? Well, it’s peanut. It’s nothing. It’s…

** Dr. Doom’s assistant called out her name, interrupting her motivational thoughts **

She took a long, long deep, deep breath, and walked in…

** Jaws Theme Playing In The Background, Slowly… **

Her eyeballs widen at the patient’s seat – it looked like an executioner’s chair. She almost choked with fear when she saw those horrifying, pointy, silver tools beside the chair.

Dr. Doom: “Hi! Have a seat. What seems to be the problem?”

Dr. Doom flashed her set of “sau ngah” teeth.

** The Jaws Theme Abruptly Screeched To A Stop**

Perrinator: “Hi doc. Oh, my tooth hurts a lot whenever I drink or eat. It’s been like this for over six months.”
Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s take a look.”

** Jaws Theme Started Playing In The Background Again, This Time, Faster… **

Dr. Doom took some tools, told her to open her mouth and searched for the decayed tooth. She kept praying that there’ll be good news, like, “oh hey, good news, this tooth can be saved, no need to remove it, just a couple of tablets will do the trick.”

But hell no.

Dr. Doom: “Ops, looks like we’re gonna have to extract your tooth. It’s a decayed tooth.”

With the latest technology, Dr. Doom snapped a picture of my worthless tooth and showed me the ugly photo.

Dr. Doom: “See this? This is a huge hole, and your gum has grown into that hole, which is why you felt extreme pain when water or food passes that tooth.”

A tear almost escaped from her eyes. All hope was lost. With a trembling voice, she asked, “Doc, are you sure there’s no other way to save it? Like do a filling or something?”

Dr. Doom snapped at her and said, “Are you the dentist or am I?”

And with that…she braced herself for the worst experience that she’ll have… well, you can’t blame her. She hasn’t visit a dentist for over 15 years.

Perrinator: “Wait, wait, wait…just…gimme a minute.”

She took several long deep breaths, convinced herself again that giving birth was 100 times more painful, and that all this will be over in a few minutes. But then she saw this very huge, familiar tool on the other table and asked the assistant, “Ahahaha…that’s NOT for me right?” The assistant only gave a smile and chuckled, “YES, it’s for YOU”. She froze with horror, and thought her heart dropped somewhere on the cold floor. She shifted uneasily on the chair, clenched both her fists to stop them from trembling, did her almighty best to control her tears and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

** Jaws Theme Playing Louder and Faster In The Background **

Dr. Doom began the extraction procedure…put a pair of darkglasses over the terrified patient…wiped some pink, gel-like stuff on the rotten tooth…and then…she closed her eyes and kept chanting in her heart…”Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful!”

Holliee baloney!!! She felt a sudden sharp pain (that’s when the dentist injected her with local anesthesia) and she fought hard to hold back her tears. Seconds later, Dr. Doom began pulling out the tooth.

Perrinator: “Aww…awwwwww…aittttt (wait). Ah sink he oca aven’t ork et (I think the local haven’t work yet).

Dr. Doom then injected a second round of local anesthesia. This time, she was too numbed with fear that she doesn’t really felt that sharp pain again. After a few seconds, Dr. Doom did a quick check and press on the gum and the tooth.

Dr. Doom: “Is this painful? And this? And this?”

She shook her head.

Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s do this…”

** Jaws Theme Was Playing So Loud In The Background, She Was Almost Deaf **

The dentist began the extraction process and it seems like an eternity before the entire procedure was over. Somehow that bloody tooth was so difficult to extract (it’s not the WISDOM tooth) that the assistant had to hold my head still as the dentist swung left and right, up and down to pull it out. The fear was overwhelming and she almost had a heart attack. Seriously.

When it was finally over…

FART. WHY. IT. TOOK. FOREVER. TO. GET. IT. OUT!

** A Beautiful Song Started Playing Harmoniously…And There’s Bright Light Everywhere **

She gargled and spat all the blood and saliva into the sink. She couldn’t talk. The dentist had inserted a gauze into her mouth for her to bite on. During the ordeal, only one tear escaped from her tired eyes. And yes, she was proud that she did not cry a river. Come on, how OLD is she now? LOL!

And she suffered for almost a month due to her extraordinarily slow recovery and lived through another phase of shitty life, forever and ever…

Amen.

I mean, THE END.

I did some revisions lately in order to prepare for Level 2 next month, so I thought, hey, why not describe or write something and make use as much as the vocabs or grammar that I’ve practiced before? And then…this EVIL idea magically appeared (okay, so it didn’t exactly magically appeared, I MADE it to appear!) about writing…uh, describing…someone…someone that I’ve err…’created’… (those of you who know me surely knows who this someone is…) Hence, without further ado, let’s see how well horridly I’ve done…

<* Perrinator roars with laughter before continuing her SINISTER practical lessons… *>
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Madre mia!!! Esta es una puta fea! Tienes los ojos hinchados (como un osa panda) y el pelo corto maloliente. Ella es muy tonta, baja y bastante gorda. Tienes un lunar grande fea en su cara. Su nariz es como un tomate porque estornuda mucha! Sus manos y piernas son muy extrañas. Ohhh…sus dientes son negros!!! ¿Sabes que tiene muchas arrugas en su frente? Y hay muchos granos en su cara redonda! Es como una mina de oro! Jajajajajaja!!!!

También, ella es la persona más idiota del mundo! Le gusta hacer muchas preguntas estúpidas casi todos los días, como un niña que usualmente pregunta “¿mamá, por qué la hierba es verde?” Pero, ella no es un niña!! Así que, ¿acuerdas conmigo que ella es muy tonta?

Ah, también tienes un coche verde feo pero ella es muy perezosa lavar su coche. No sabe cocinar o hornear pero sabe comer. No sabe hacer las tareas de la casa pero sabe acortarse y dormir. No sé por qué su marido se casa con ella!! Oh, ¿quizás también él es tonto? Jajajajajaja!!!

La traducción (the translation):

Oh my goodness!!! This is one ugly bitch! She has swollen eyes (like a panda bear) and short smelly hair. She is very stupid, short and quite fat. She has a big ugly mole on her face. Her nose is like a tomato because she sneezes a lot! Her hands and legs are really weird. Oh…her teeth are black!!! Do you know that she has a lot of wrinkles on her forehead? And there are a lot of pimples on her round face! It’s like a goldmine! Hahahahahaha!!!

She is also the most idiotic person on earth! She likes to ask a lot of stupid questions almost everyday, like a kid that usually asks “Mom, why the grass is green?” But she is not a kid!! So, don’t you agree with me that she is really stupid?

Ah, she also has an ugly green car but she is too lazy to wash her car. She do not know how to cook or bake but she knows how to eat. She do not know how to do housework but she knows how to go to bed and sleep. I don’t know why her husband marries her!! Oh, perhaps he’s stupid too? Hahahahaha!!!!

Oh dear me, if there are any Spanish-speaking people or Spaniards who happen to chance upon this entry of mine, do help me correct my mistakes (I’m sure there are plenty!).

I don’t normally do this, and I don’t normally care about celebrities, but the latest ‘phenomenal performance’ by the arrogant a-hole himself did hit a nerve in me. In case some of you still didn’t know, well, to summarize, during the MTV Video Music Awards last week, he totally ruined Taylor Swift’s FIRST moonman award by snatching away the microphone from her before she could finish her acceptance speech!!

Whaaaa?! He thinks he’s the ONLY celebrity in this world? He thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants without thinking about others? How would he feel if someone burst into his glorious moment and did the same thing?? I’d gladly ruin his win (if he could ever win again after this incident) and make it the WORST acceptance speech interruption ever!!!

<* Perrinator imagines herself running like a mad gladiator, armed with a gigantic electric mixer and a huge mixing bowl filled with capati and curry gravy, and slam it all over Kanye before he could even utter the first word on stage *>

I don’t think it’s staged. Heck, I don’t think MTV is that stupid to setup something hooligan like that and destroyed Taylor’s first VMA! Her FIRST, people! Her FIRST! Poor chic. I seriously think that Kanye should be banned from attending MTV or any other award events in future! Better yet, there should be some rules to indicate that all attendees should behave appropriately or risk getting thrown out of the event like a trash.

Kanye has an ego so high that I think his name deserves to be inked in the Guiness Book World Of Records under the category “The Most Egotistical Hooligan Ever Lived”. Some of the celebrities even criticized him, and these are some of my favourite compilations of their response:

Katy Perry – “F@3k you Kanye. It’s like you stepped on a kitten.”
Kelly Clarkson – “What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough??”
Miley Cyrus – “He does it for press. Don’t feed into it.”
Pink – “Kanye West is the biggest piece of $h1+ on earth. Quote me.”
President Obama – “He’s a jack@$$.”

Kanye, I’ve collaborated with other celebrities with brains and common sense and published this guidebook especially for people like you…

This actually happened a few years ago, when my neighbour’s then 8-year-old kiddo followed me around whenever I take my dog for a walk. He’s a bright kid, very chatty, and uh…yes, innocent. So, one day, when I took my precious out for a walk, he followed us with his bicycle. Then…he saw how my dog peed.

The boy looked at my dog’s uhm…well, you know where…and giggled, and then commented on how small it was…

<* Perrinator fidgets on her small armchair…raises one of her thick eyebrows, eyeing for Google Inspectors who might want to haul her into a tiny cell for porno questioning…*>

Eh, please, don’t get any ideas, read on, okay? So, I just giggled with him and we walked back to our house. Outside of our car porch, my mother was watering her organic plants. He said hi to her, and then told her what he thought of my dog’s…errr…you know…. The conversation went on something like this (he actually spoke in Mandarin and my mother gotta translate it, otherwise, I have no idea why she burst out laughing like a madwoman):

Boy: Hi auntie!
Auntie: Ah, Beckham! What are you doing ah?

** Yes, the boy’s English nickname is B-E-C-K-H-A-M **

Boy: Oh, just cycling and following Preston and Jie Jie around. Ah, auntie! Just now hor, I saw Preston wee wee, and his little birdie is so small la! Hahahahahahaha!
Auntie: Hahahahaha! Oh really? You have one too, don’t you?
Boy: Of course!
Auntie: And bigger than Preston’s, right!?

** GET READY FOR HIS REPLY….**
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Boy: Aiya…ceh…my FATHER’S one is even bigger!!

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

My mother laughed so loud, it stunned the boy a little! I didn’t know what happened and asked what’s going on, and she only told me about the conversation after the boy left! LOL!!!!!!! Yes, that kid took showers together with his father! But I doubt he’s still sharing the same bathtub now! Dear Google Inspectors, please don’t arrest me for such an INNOCENT thing! LMAO!!!