PERRINATOR.COM

I’m back. And it’s too late to wish you all a Happy New Year. My apologies. Mine’s gonna be a Sad New Year. Or a Depressed New Year. Or a Shitty New Year. Gosh. I don’t know. Perrinator is supposed to be a funny machine. But I think most of my sense of humour has been terminated by a series of nasty events. So, forgive me if my blog is not as funny as it used to be. I’ll do my best to revive the joker in me. Well, let’s begin with this (less) dramatic incident that happened last month…

** A ‘Lan Yau Ying’ Song Playing In The Background **

** Wind howling, dry leaves flying, everything in slow motion… **

Armed with a Trembling Heart, a pair of Shaky Hands and a Nervous Nerve with no balls and no guts, she slowly marched into the Thou-Shall-Pull-Your-Tooth Clinic. She paced back and forth at the clinic’s front door, telling herself again and again that it’ll all be over soon, there’s nothing to fear, and this was one bloody painful problem that she could no longer delay. She composed herself, took a deep breath and…

** White pigeons flying **

Opened the door.

** Silence **

All she could hear was her own breathing. As if she’s gonna get an asthma attack. She forced a weak smile at the receptionist, Ah Neh, and told the Ah Neh that she’s here for the 3pm appointment with Dr. Doom. And so she waited. She kept thinking, well, giving birth is like 100 times more painful. Look at my friends who are mommies! They can survive such ordeal. And this? Well, it’s peanut. It’s nothing. It’s…

** Dr. Doom’s assistant called out her name, interrupting her motivational thoughts **

She took a long, long deep, deep breath, and walked in…

** Jaws Theme Playing In The Background, Slowly… **

Her eyeballs widen at the patient’s seat – it looked like an executioner’s chair. She almost choked with fear when she saw those horrifying, pointy, silver tools beside the chair.

Dr. Doom: “Hi! Have a seat. What seems to be the problem?”

Dr. Doom flashed her set of “sau ngah” teeth.

** The Jaws Theme Abruptly Screeched To A Stop**

Perrinator: “Hi doc. Oh, my tooth hurts a lot whenever I drink or eat. It’s been like this for over six months.”
Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s take a look.”

** Jaws Theme Started Playing In The Background Again, This Time, Faster… **

Dr. Doom took some tools, told her to open her mouth and searched for the decayed tooth. She kept praying that there’ll be good news, like, “oh hey, good news, this tooth can be saved, no need to remove it, just a couple of tablets will do the trick.”

But hell no.

Dr. Doom: “Ops, looks like we’re gonna have to extract your tooth. It’s a decayed tooth.”

With the latest technology, Dr. Doom snapped a picture of my worthless tooth and showed me the ugly photo.

Dr. Doom: “See this? This is a huge hole, and your gum has grown into that hole, which is why you felt extreme pain when water or food passes that tooth.”

A tear almost escaped from her eyes. All hope was lost. With a trembling voice, she asked, “Doc, are you sure there’s no other way to save it? Like do a filling or something?”

Dr. Doom snapped at her and said, “Are you the dentist or am I?”

And with that…she braced herself for the worst experience that she’ll have… well, you can’t blame her. She hasn’t visit a dentist for over 15 years.

Perrinator: “Wait, wait, wait…just…gimme a minute.”

She took several long deep breaths, convinced herself again that giving birth was 100 times more painful, and that all this will be over in a few minutes. But then she saw this very huge, familiar tool on the other table and asked the assistant, “Ahahaha…that’s NOT for me right?” The assistant only gave a smile and chuckled, “YES, it’s for YOU”. She froze with horror, and thought her heart dropped somewhere on the cold floor. She shifted uneasily on the chair, clenched both her fists to stop them from trembling, did her almighty best to control her tears and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

** Jaws Theme Playing Louder and Faster In The Background **

Dr. Doom began the extraction procedure…put a pair of darkglasses over the terrified patient…wiped some pink, gel-like stuff on the rotten tooth…and then…she closed her eyes and kept chanting in her heart…”Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful! Giving birth is more painful!”

Holliee baloney!!! She felt a sudden sharp pain (that’s when the dentist injected her with local anesthesia) and she fought hard to hold back her tears. Seconds later, Dr. Doom began pulling out the tooth.

Perrinator: “Aww…awwwwww…aittttt (wait). Ah sink he oca aven’t ork et (I think the local haven’t work yet).

Dr. Doom then injected a second round of local anesthesia. This time, she was too numbed with fear that she doesn’t really felt that sharp pain again. After a few seconds, Dr. Doom did a quick check and press on the gum and the tooth.

Dr. Doom: “Is this painful? And this? And this?”

She shook her head.

Dr. Doom: “Okay, let’s do this…”

** Jaws Theme Was Playing So Loud In The Background, She Was Almost Deaf **

The dentist began the extraction process and it seems like an eternity before the entire procedure was over. Somehow that bloody tooth was so difficult to extract (it’s not the WISDOM tooth) that the assistant had to hold my head still as the dentist swung left and right, up and down to pull it out. The fear was overwhelming and she almost had a heart attack. Seriously.

When it was finally over…

FART. WHY. IT. TOOK. FOREVER. TO. GET. IT. OUT!

** A Beautiful Song Started Playing Harmoniously…And There’s Bright Light Everywhere **

She gargled and spat all the blood and saliva into the sink. She couldn’t talk. The dentist had inserted a gauze into her mouth for her to bite on. During the ordeal, only one tear escaped from her tired eyes. And yes, she was proud that she did not cry a river. Come on, how OLD is she now? LOL!

And she suffered for almost a month due to her extraordinarily slow recovery and lived through another phase of shitty life, forever and ever…

Amen.

I mean, THE END.